Good Morning.
My friend Sarah sent me a hilarious piece about the kind of parenting she and I experienced several decades ago. It may be more appropriate for people over a certain age, but I think I recall saying some of the same things to my cherubs. I have selected a few of the items on the list for discussion. You will notice that threatening something is the operative tactic in almost all of them.
1. My mother taught me To Appreciate A Job Well Done. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." The implication here is that with the house vacuumed and dusted, the mother didn't want a bloody nose messing it up. Cleaning was actually a career path for women at one time, but for some of us, it was more of a detour. My windows facing the east offer a lovely, blurred sunrise reminiscent of Monet, and the ones looking west have a film deliberately left intact to filter the late afternoon sun.
2. My mother taught me Religion. "You better pray that comes out of the carpet." You weren't supposed to take your grape juice into the living room because it would get spilled, of course, on something beige, the mid-century signature color. Popsicles and cocoa were also meant to be consumed only in a kitchen with scrubbable linoleum, and the mishaps didn't end at the age of twelve. I once dumped my favorite cocktail on a lovely aqua velvet chair and it seeped into the tufting. I was over the age of thirty at the time but I certainly heard about it.
3. My father taught me Irony. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." This dates to a time when spanking was an acceptable remedy for everything from mouthing off to running into a street with five o'clock traffic. Nobody gave a thought about swatting a kid but now it apparently makes him or her grow up to be weird and aggressive. Time out in a special chair is the psychologically preferable response and parental frustration is carefully verbalized. Give me a break.
4. Closely related: My mother taught me Anticipation. "Just wait until we get home." This comment ruined car trips, a meal at a restaurant, and shopping excursions. The other warning was "Just wait until your father gets home". The mentality behind this declaration involved ceding a lot of authority to the male parent. Not anymore. Women today feel empowered to be just as scary as men.
5. My mother taught me Foresight. "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident." This well-known, universal directive brings to mind a woman friend of mine whose husband insisted, not to her amusement, on color-coordinating his underwear and his necktie. She finally told him that if he got in a wreck, the first thing the ER nurse would remove would be his tie and the last thing his underwear and nobody trying to save his life would say "Oh wow, they match!"
6. My mother taught me Stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." This one also applied to peas, broccoli, beets, and any form of squash. Peas were the easiest to slip into a napkin, and milk was used to swallow terrible morsels that made a small person gag and spray the beverage all over the mahogany dining table, prompting the action mentioned in #3. Then there were the foods that would improve the human body: eating your crusts would give you curly hair, fish would make you smart, and carrots would give you good eyesight. My daughter once brought a boyfriend home for dinner and I told them to eat their carrots and after the young man departed, she informed me that he was blind in one eye and thanks a lot, Mom.
Best regards,
Elisabeth
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