Good Morning.
This is the deal, mes chers: People take complete leave of their senses during the month of December and that includes the delivery people. I have concrete steps leading up to my front door and they tend to be icy plus there's no handrail, so I posted a great big note with large print on my door asking these guys bearing gifts to set them inside the door that I would leave unlocked during the daytime. This is possible in my neighborhood. My regular mailman has been able to wrap his brain around the message and complies with my request and even took my Christmas cards so I didn't have to get in my car and go mail them somewhere. This is why he will get a little cash in an envelope next week. We're on a first name basis and his name is John and he likes the Seattle Seahawks and sends thank you notes with a picture of him in his Seattle Seahawks sweatshirt. The guy in brown, however, has not been able to process the instructions I scotch taped to the door and left a box on the steps so large that it took up half the front stoop. So here I was last night with The Joy of Cooking wedged in the storm door to prop it open, trying to maneuver this behemoth carton into my home and trying not to land in the bushes with stickers on them and hoping the dog wouldn't get out. Don't move, don't move, I told her as she stared at my giant eggplant self from the entryway. I was wearing an outfit in a lovely shade of aubergine at the time.
The people down the street decorate their house every year but it looks like they went to a garage sale and bought up whatever lights were tagged at ten cents a string. There are white icicles here and there, three or four multi-colored, and half a dozen blue thrown in for good measure plus they have a Santa clinging to a down spout. Who does this. I have a wreath nailed to my house under the porch light and that's the sum of my outside decor, but of course you can't see the wreath at night because the porch light is burned out and there's no way I can change it without landing in the bushes with the stickers on them. I buy my wreath every year from my grandson who sells wreaths for his hockey team and this year's wreath is better than in previous years because it's larger and fuller and has three huge pine cones on it, a step up from the two small ones I usually get and all for the same price. Two homes ago, I decorated my shrubs with as many white lights as I could squeeze into them and one day someone left a note in my mailbox that said I had the best shrubs in town. That was a good day for me, having good shrubs.
I shop online. I refuse to set foot in the mall under any circumstances and certainly not during the holidays. Downtown is better as long as you can find a parking space, but I still shop online and will send a note of apology to the Chamber of Commerce. In my experience L.L. Bean has the best service. You order something on Tuesday and it's out the door on Wednesday with a lower shipping charge than competitor outfits in the same neck of the woods. I use L.L. Bean a lot because I'm always cold at this time of year and don't want anyone else to be cold and L.L. Bean has a lot of woolie things plus they have pictures of Golden Retrievers in their catalogues and I have a Golden Retriever, the one who watched my giant eggplant self wrestle the big old box past The Joy of Cooking into the house. L.L. Bean sells dog beds, beautiful ones, but they're pricey, especially if you get the bed monogrammed with the dog's name. This is dumb. This would be like I had Elisabeth or worse, my nickname, carved into my headboard - actually welded into it because my headboard is wrought iron. Dumb. The dog will wear a bow on her collar starting next week and will get some nice treats with peanut butter but no bed with her name on it. I will wear a scarf and have crackers with extra sharp Vermont cheddar.
I must run now. I need to get some spices simmering on the stove so the house smells good and turn on the tree lights and put the catalogues in the recycle thing and unlock the door for the people who can read simple, clear sentences and check to see if the wreath with the three pine cones fell off the nail under the porch light that's burned out into the bushes with stickers on them and get some coffee going if I can find the bag behind the sugar and flour and chocolate in the cupboard and then I will probably look in the mirror and say, lady, you need to put on some makeup and get it together.
Best regards,
Elisabeth
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